Ke Huy Quan, Ariana DeBose’s heinous action-comedy is perfect for a couple looking to break up
movie review
LOVE HURTS
Running time: 83 minutes. Rated R (strong/bloody violence and language throughout). In theaters.
The cineplex transforms into a torture chamber during “Love Hurts,” the cruel-and-unusual action-comedy starring Oscar winners Ke Huy Quan and Ariana DeBose.
Waves of excruciating pain arrive partly because of the blood-and-guts fights of director Jonathan Eusebio’s exhausting and unpleasant film. One man has a metal straw go through his eyeball. Another barely introduced character is shot point blank in the head, and we get the privilege of staring through the bullet hole in his brain.
Talk about a temple of doom.
All of that carnage would be fine if it was funny.
But what’s meant to be an upbeat movie that takes place on Valentine’s Day instead goes the route of another infamous Feb. 14 massacre from history. It does not have the sort of fleet-footed battles that get laughs. Winces and yucks, yes, but never laughs.
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That’s the in-your-face style Eusebio knows best. He was responsible for the violence in the superior “John Wick” series — and you can see its neon-lit, martial-arts influence here, minus the fun. You can also spot the $80 million budget disparity. The film has only four eyesore suburban locations. That it was shot in Winnipeg as a stand-in for greater Milwaukee says it all.
Ke Huy Quan and Ariana DeBose are retired hitmen in “Love Hurts.” AP
Where “Love” really scars, though, is the writing. The rough ride aspires to be lumped in with the quirky crime capers of Guy Ritchie and a tiny bit Tarantino. But the witless screenplay, fit for the shredder, fails to grasp that it takes more than silly names like Knuckles and Kippy and a string of brutal kills to fashion an enjoyable underworld comedy.
There must be a modicum of logic and a sliver of belief, even in the most outrageous of situations. Audiences rightly expect a decent plot. “Love Hurts,” however, is an Elmer’s Glue effort slopping together wackiness and idiocy like a popsicle stick and googly eyes. It’s the perfect date night for a couple looking to break up.
Quan, 52, plays Marvin Gable, a peppy real estate agent in Milwaukee, who has a dark past as a hitman and whose annoying preferred expletive is “fudge!”. Mild-mannered Milwaukee is just crawling with hired thugs and assassins. Laverne and Shirley were lucky to make it out of there alive.
Quan’s Marvel gets into gnarly fights with henchmen like King, played by Marshawn Lynch. AP
Enjoying a peaceful new life, Marvin swells with pride when selling houses and is overjoyed after his boss Cliff (Sean Astin, wasted) names him employee of the month. But his old gig burbles up when his vengeful brother Knuckles (Daniel Wu) sends his henchmen to find him.
One of his attacker sis called The Raven (Mustafa Shakir) and also moonlights as a poet. His meditation-like flirting with Marvin’s burnt-out assistant Ashley (Lio Tipton) is the only gag that comes close to working.
Another duo are King (Marshawn Lynch) and Otis (André Eriksen), who are an instantly forgettable version of the buddy burglars from “Home Alone.”
Knuckles (Daniel Wu) hunts down his brother. AP
“Love Hurts” is only 83 minutes long. “Hurrah!,” you say before it starts. But the film feels endless because the story is such a chore to follow.
Enter Marvin’s old flame and partner Rose (Ariana DeBose, 34). Some time ago, she stole $2 million from Knuckles, Marvin spared her and went into hiding. Now, Rose has returned to save her man from his sibling and deface his realty ads for some reason.
Maybe that’s what happens. I think? For a movie so derivative, it’s much more confusing than it ought to be.
Ariana DeBose plays Rose, Marvin’s old flame. AP
The significant 19-year age gap between Quan and DeBose is never addressed, by the way, as though we’re watching one of Roger Moore’s later Bond films. And this pair of actors has no romantic spark to justify it. Quan brings his usual charming energy, but the role’s DOA.
The climactic fight scene, set to Barry White’s classic “You’re the First, the Last, My Everything,” brought me back to a year ago this week when the zany action-comedy “Argylle” hit theaters on the road to flopping hard.
Let’s not make a habit of this.
