Sharing your kids with an ex during Christmas sucks — here’s my unpopular advice

Dealing with an ex over kids’ Christmas arrangements can be tricky… that’s putting it nicely.

I did it for a decade and know that it’s often a total sh*tshow at a time of the year when the mental load is high, and tolerance levels are low.

I had a panic attack on our first Christmas apart

I recall the first time after our separation that I handed my three-year-old over to his dad for Christmas Day lunch. I had full care, so when my ex asked me for some time, of course, I agreed.

But this was a man I left partly because he was a negligent parent; he smoked around our son – one day I even came across our 18-month-old chowing down on smokes after he discovered a packet on the kitchen bench.

So suffice it to say I was a tad worried about what he’d be eating that day. *wry laugh

In fact, I had a full-blown panic attack after he was collected.

I’d never had one, so I called my mom, and she talked me down. But those hours waiting for him to return safely – with a dad who liked a drink, on a high-risk road safety day – were agony.

I didn’t know how I was going to do it again next year. What I didn’t see coming is that I wouldn’t have to.

My take on sharing kids at Christmas

By the time of the next Christmas, my ex was fully settled with a new partner, who had a large extended family. And we were one more year down the road of me with full care – a situation he never argued about.

All of that meant was one, my ex had more important people to keep happy, and two, he was more accustomed than ever to not being fully involved with our kid.

He asked to have him for a few hours on Boxing Day, and that was all.

Over the years, the requests about Christmas, and the day especially, have varied, which was absolutely fine by me. I wasn’t going to encourage our son to spend time with someone he only intermittently saw, at such a special time.

So this is a huge lesson I can share with you: Things change, kids change, needs change, jobs change: dynamics change.  It’s very likely life won’t be like this forever.

(I was lucky in that our situation mostly de-escalated over the years, so our safety increased. Of course, it’s very different for other families. I can only speak from my experience where family violence was resolved.)

Do not panic, especially at Christmas, and on other special occasions, like birthdays and school holidays.

Over time, the children will learn to speak up about what they want, and you’ll become more confident in advocating for them and yourself. Even when there are proper arrangements.

It’s not just about the rights of the parent

Attitudes to shared care and co-parenting are not what they used to be. In many cases, children’s needs and preferences are heeded as much as possible.

It is not just about the rights of the parent. Kids have rights, too.

It is generally more accepted now that as kids get older, splitting time between homes becomes more challenging for them, and bonds can still be made and grow without mandates.

You’ll see that your family doesn’t need to adhere to traditional  ‘social norms’ and what works for some people might not be right for your situation.

Whatever is agreed at the start just simply won’t be the same by the time they’re 16 – or likely much earlier.

So my advice is if you’re handing your kids over at some point at Christmas this year… I understand it will be hard, but comfort yourself knowing it won’t be like this forever.