Social media users share their most mortifyingly memorable NSFW encounters

There’s nothing erotic about these embarrassing sexual encounters.

Bolstered by anonymity, Reddit.com as long served as the website of record for some of the most shameless stories of sex across the internet, with some top-performing posts going back 14 years.

And if there’s one universal truth to take from these outrageous, intrepid and icky tales, it’s that everyone has at least one experience with cringey coitus.

In just this past year, the AskReddit subgroup alone as amassed some 7,000 comments across three posts prompting users to share their most awful and awkward memories made during intercourse.

Commonly mortifying motifs among the top comments include injury, inebriation, exhaustion and uninvited interruptions — plus plenty of words of warning.

Here’s some of the best of the worst stories of making whoopie.

@chuglugs was one of many to say they suffered or inflicited a brutal nosebleeds and headbutts, painting a horrific picture of the first time he had sex with his future wife. They blamed the nightmarish scene on his blood alcohol level in a response with over 7,000 upvotes from fellow users.

“Middle of the night comes along, I wake up randomly and I’m good to go and initiate, she’s down for it, it’s all going fine, until I feel a warm liquid under my nose. I turn on the lights and my nose had been bleeding all over her face. Like elevator doors in the shining. Anyways we’ve been married a while now.”

The most relatable awkward romps included tales of injury, inebriation and uninvited viewers. Getty Images/iStockphoto

Sex can turn dangerous when partners get too ambitious, as with @TackyBrad who took one of his new moves too far.

“Stayed in the same position at an awkward angle because my wife liked it,” they began in a response with some 4,300 upvotes. “Now, a month later, I still can’t jump and have some trouble on stairs because I have some gnarly strain on a part of my leg muscle.”

Sex went from steamy to sleepy for some exhausted Reddit users.

@ImaSloppySlopSlop fell asleep in the middle of a romp — and awoke in a confusion that prompted them to blurt out night, night dad to their spooning partner. And @Comfortable-Box-3569 blamed their two full time jobs for snoring while engaged in a duel oral sex act.

Exhibitionists know they’re putting themselves at risk with their antics. Lucky for us readers, sometimes they get caught.

“I take my gf for a walk in the woods. We were both finishing high school, and didn’t have our own place, so we went for the outdoors experience. Anyway, we’re deep in the pine forest, off the track, setup a picnic blanket. It’s cold but we’re hot for action,” began @marzubus, whose response has earned nearly 6,000 upvotes.

As the lovebirds are doing their thing, @marzubus felt a “weird sensation” up his rear end — turning to see a dog burying their snout between his cheeks “and a short way away, the dog’s horrified owner.”

New partners are especially prone to miscommunications, but poor @Barbarian_818 failed to gather even the most basic details.

“I realized I didn’t know her name,” they said in a comment with over 4,000 upvotes. To save face, he stopped mid-romp to make a proper introduction.

“I made a joke out of it. I put on a very stuffy, formal accent and introduced myself and held out my hand. She played along and introduced herself in the same mock formal way.”

Several users shared practical advice about sex that they learned the hard way, advising users to approach “warming” products and mint flavors with caution.

“Only condom available was one that was mint flavored. Sounded ok… until the burning …” per one deleted user.

@maltedbacon bought a warming lubricant that “seemed like a good idea.”

“Fast forward 30 seconds and we are each curled up and moaning in a solitary agony ball.”

@19Thanatos83 had words to the wise regarding wax play after accidentally burning his wife, reminding kinksters that “there are special candles that don’t get too hot for that.”

Reddit users also reminded why food and sex usually don’t mix.

“Used whipped cream in foreplay,” wrote @Dreyfusblue. “Looks great in films, but it just makes a greasy mess. Even after you lick it off.”

@Ace_of_Sevens blamed his “salsa enthusiast” girlfriend’s “inadequate hand-washing” let to one too-spicy masturbation encounter. “Do not recommend.”